Hundreds have been found dead all across England and France. Police have confirmed they were all killed in similar, ritualised killings. All the killings are believed to have taken place within the last two weeks. No group has come forward to claim these killing as their own, and none of the killers have yet been apprehended. Police on both sides of the channel are working together on this case, and anyone with information is urged to come forward.

Vegetation is beginning to die back in most of the towns and cities that had become choked with foliage late last year. In many cities, such as Leeds and Southampton, previously displaced councils are beginning the long task of rebuilding. Of those previously affected by the encroaching woodland, only Lincoln and Banbury now remain fully forested.

Dozens of galleries worldwide have lost paintings over the last month. Ophelia by Sir John Everett Millais has notably vanished from the Tate in the middle of the afternoon, whilst the gallery was full. Caravaggio's painting of Judith beheading Holofernes is another notable theft, alongside The Death of Morat by Jacques-Louis David, and Martyrdom of Saint Sebastian by Giovanni Antonio Bazzi.

A large number of workers for the UN have become apparently addicted to a type of cookie. Nobody is quite sure how this came about, but it's causing chaos, and the affected workers are manic. The workers are currently undergoing rehabilitation treatment in hospital, to treat this bizarre addiction.

Following what has been described as a pitched battle between rival Gaians, the lake district has undergone a significant shift in its overall topography, geology, and ecology. Pamela Trindle of the regional tourist board bemoaned the situation, asking, “What - are we supposed to call it the Lake-Desert-Jungle-Volcano-Ocean District now? It's like an early version of Minecraft out here!” Blame has been placed with the Bodyguards of Gaia, who were holding their biannual Convocation on the shores of Lake Windermere at the time of the incident.

A brand new stone circle has appeared on top of Dragon Hill, Uffington. Archaeologists are currently trying to establish who might have built the thing, and for what purpose. Quentin Berringer of the Slough Institute remarked, “Neolithic stone circle construction has long been considered something of a lost art. It's exciting to think that monuments of this sort might finally be back in vogue.”

Breaking news - apparently, an extremely lethal, extremely virulent supervirus has appeared in a regional hospital forcing the military to step in to help establish a quarantine. Reports say that the death toll is already in the hundreds, but that a treatment is swiftly being developed.