A recording purporting to show someone attempting to summon something from the place colloquially known as the “Nether” has been making the rounds on the internet. Believed at first to be another CGI Jump scare, given the lag evidenced when it was being Livestreamed, it has since been found to have at least some semblance of truth. The body of the person on camera, identified as one “Elide Words Starting With W”, has been found on Flodday up in the Outer Hebrides, surrounded by a devastated landscape and the remnants of a summoning circle. Whether this was a summoning gone wrong, or an attempt to cover up a murder remains to be seen, but authorities are urging everyone not to attempt to follow the “instructions” given in the video, and various sources have pointed out the similarities between the creature that was shown on camera and the being known as 6-1-6.

A Memorial has been held for the Lemon Mousse, who traigically lost their life during a the return trip from the Moon. They were killed shortly before the spaceship impacted into Hyde Park. The following is a quote from a eulogy made at the memorial by friend, Felix Charmed:

“Lemon Mousse, although you may know him by many other names, was the best of us. He was an outstanding man, a peerless innovator, and a wonderful friend. As some of you may know, he died while a number of us were travelling to the Moon - a task that could not have been completed without him - to try and find a place for the displaced Gaian Washburn.” He holds up the rock. “This just exemplifies who Lemon Mousse was: a person who went to the greatest lengths to help people, be they Human, Gaian, or Celestial. I am sure that all of you have a time when he helped you similarly, and I want you all to spend some time thinking on that today.”

New Year's Eve - not the conventional time to setting up new marketing campaigns, but it seems that some bright spark in the ad industry thinks otherwise. A big message was set up in Hyde Park on the 31st, looping cursive reading 'Luce - I want to dance with the devil. Does she want to dance with me? -Z'

We look forward to seeing the product or products with which this now-viral stunt will be associated. Our bets? On a range of luminescent make-up to make your skin GLOW!

Concerns have been aroused after an explosive incident in Coventry which left the former Cathedral - and surrounding area - in a rather concerning state. While there doesn't appear to be any physical change to the place, visitors report a feeling of extreme unease whenever they set foot there - hardly appropriate for a place dedicated to peace.

The Gaians have been unavailable for comment.

The government is planning to launch a new campaign promoting safety in the workplace, following a steep increase in accidents nationwide. “It is clear that standards are slipping,” a spokesperson for the Health and Safety Executive announced last week, “and although no generic cause for these lapses has been established, we must urge workers and employers to ensure that they are familiar with national and local policy. We wish to remind the public that a regrettably high proportion of this latest string of incidents has resulted in workplace fatalities.” Critics of government strategy in this area have pointed out that a commensurate rise in accidents has been observed globally, and have attributed present concerns to “political correctness”.

A new single purportedly written and performed by Vitreus, the much celebrated artist behind metal band Dies Irae, has gone viral following reports that the song may have unspecified health benefits. Some medical professionals have been quick to dismiss these claims, while others have emphasised the positive effects certain music may have on personal wellbeing. Vitreus, who is rumoured to have died some months ago, was unavailable for comment.

Reports just in that a…volcano…has emerged from underground and destroyed a small opera house in London. The volcano doesn't seem to be growing any larger, but police are cordoning off a one-mile radius around the volcano, just to be certain. There are currently no answers as to what has caused this freak geological phenomenon, but early indicators are that the volcano is mercifully dormant. This follows the sudden appearance of copious greenery around the capital, a pattern with troubling echoes of the incursions of wildwood observed elsewhere across the country.

Coombe Alley, a convicted serial killer with 12 murders to their name, has escaped from the holding facility where they were kept and is now, presumably, at large. Families of the victims are furious that something like this can have been allowed to happen, and there are calls to see Special Branch X, and lead investigator Jeffrey Leigh investigated and punished for this lapse. In a statement released today, SBX said that their top priority is to find and arrest this menace to society once again, though an internal review is already underway.

Mysterious tracks have been appearing all over the country; appearing, travelling a small distance, and then disappearing again. No one has yet been able to claim any explanation for the tracks, but their size and skeletal appearance has led some to hypothesise that they are related to the recent theft of a Diplodocus skeleton from the Natural History Museum.

Aleister Jones was recently crowned God-King of the White Quill. The ceremony, which was broadcast live, included the murder of prominent members of the faction who did not pledge their obedience to Aleister. The murders were commited by an angel identified to be Paris Clearwater. Police are known to be making inquiries, and anyone with more information is urged to come forward.

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#newyearsresolution
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